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| 2 years without writing on here. oh how things have changed....more than i can even begin to type. more or less i forgot that i even had this. my life for the past year and a half was consumed by a relationship that was torn to shit. fuck love. honestly and truly it is nothing but heartache, and so far nothing ever good has come out of it for me. im just looking for the right boy to come and change that veiw for me. other than that, uhm, friends gained, friends lost. i havent changed much, just matured, and aged by a few years, hah. it seems so weird that last time i wrote in here i was only a freshman, and now im going to be a junior! its crazy how fast time goes by and you dont even stop to notice it. oh, and i still hate my mom. less than i did last, but still i do. i figured out why i think the way i do, it a thing called anxiety, it fucking sucks! its gotten better, and worse, in the past few years. better because i know what it is, and i can sometimes control it. worse because i have more attacks over stupider shit. ive been happier recently, but still wish that i could just up and run away. i wish i could run far far far away from here, and just start over. but thatll never happen ill be stuck in this same rut for the rest of my life. we wont even get on the topic of boys. because like i said, fuck love. fairy tale endings just dont exsist. point blank. this are good at first, but then it all gets ruined. i cant really say if ive gotten smarter or dumber. probably a mixture of both on some points. oh, its storming right now. just thought id say that. and its pretty damn bad. oh well, it makes me happy! oh god, i feel like i have so much to say, but i cant even begin to put it here. i know i have learned a great deal of information about life that i will keep in my head forever. well i know i have shit loads more to say, but i just cant, not now. im not even ready to talk about half the crap that needs to be said. but one day.....so just keep waiting. [i made you a promise, and im going to keep it. just keep your head high, dont doubt me. one day itll be the way it was supposed to be again] | | |
| well life is still blah. still crying. still hating it all. i want to curl up in a little ball and die. and to top it all off and make it worse, my best friend almost died friday night [ 9.14.07 ] i was so scared. i would have been lost without her. and the even more worse part is, it was my fault. why did i let her have that last shot? why didnt i take it? why wasnt it me throwing my guts up all over my bathroom floor? i try so hard to be there for everyone and i think on friday it shows that i really do. i wish that my mom wouldnt of found out though. oh well at least im not grounded. and well last night [ 9.15.07 ] i almost lost my other best friend. she doesnt think that people care about her. and i love her so much i bawled my eyes out in my friends bathroom. i was so scared i was going to loose her. and well they are my only true friends, the ones that care about me, the ones that i know i can tell everything to. and without them i would be dead. i feel so bad for how i treat them sometimes. i know that i can be a backstabbing bitch and i know everyone hates me. im not stupid, i dont think people like me, how do i know this, because i dont even like myself. why some people care about me doesnt make sense. honestly right now i just want to run away, far far far away. where nobody will find me and where nobody will miss me. i dont want to live anymore, im worthless. im weak. im a bad influence. im a bad sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, friend, cousin, enemy, person in general. im can be your best friend or your worst enemy, and either way you will hate me. i hate me so why does it matter so much if other people do? why do i care? i know that i shouldnt because i know all its going to bring me pain. ill just get crushed like usual. ill just get picked up and get made to feel like someone cares about me and im worth something for once, then ill just get dropped on my ass. i honestly dont think that anyone likes me, i think they all lie to me just to make me go away, and stop bugging them. why am i still here if i talk like this you ask? your answer is: one day i want to make something of myself and prove to people that i can be someone and something useful and not just a nobody. one day i hope one day. and im going to keep trying to achieve this until the day i die, no matter how many hearts i break or how many tears i cry, i will accomplish it and i will make it how i want it. that is all for now....... | | |
| i dont want to think like this. its not fair, i dont want to be like this anymore. i want to be free. i want to break away from this habbit and life. i wish i was a bird, i bird that soars free, and does whatever it pleases when it wants. i dont like who i am anymore. and im not making much of an effort to do anything about it. except i care again. but the thing is when i care, no one else does. its like i cant please anyone anymore. not even my parents. nor the boy im totally crazy about. he just is blahh, he doesnt care. and well hmm his name is Ryan Berra. i hate him right now. hes being a jerk! whyd i let myself get into this mess? whyd i let myself come to like him? stupid....stupid.....stupid...... : ( i just make mistake after mistake these days. gosh constant crying EVERY single freaking day of the week. im so weak again. im no longer stong, things get to me again. i really dont like myself or life right now. people bother me a lot. who would honestly care if i just up and died? NO ONE thats who. people say they would, but after about a month of sad they would all forget about me and move on. i wish i could just run away and never come back, and no one would come looking for me. if i promised to miss you would you let me run away and forget about me? whatever i dont want to type anymore. and i dont want to care what you think! so just lets leave it at....i know you dont care so dont tell me you do. | | |
| its been a while. and im finally puting something up on this gay thing : ) ! well uhmm i started high school...and its kick ass! gahh i get to see all my friends like everyday now! im soo gald. but yeah so i just keep getting dumber tho. its not good, i blame someone for it but not saying who. anyways so i finally went to bandcamp over the summer. it was the last day tho : ( but it was fun! yeah B took me : )) me and him have gotten really close lately. like yesterday he took me home from cheerleading cause he was apposed to have cross country but it got cancled. so he ran at school, then went to his moms house to eat, and then came back up to get me! he didnt have to, he did just cause he said he would tho! godd hes like my best friend right now : ) im soo glad that i met him. i owe that one to Keith. hes the one who brought him over to my house : ) god that day was soo fun. jeez everythigns going by SO fast these days. sooner or later...probably sooner...im going to be walking to get my high school diploma! god it soo scary sometimes to think that. but i like all my taechers this year! well with the exception of the math teacher, i always hate my math teachers. so me and ell and sammie are all like becomming inseprable together now. its not just me and sammie anymore. : ) im soo happy with life right now...well except for one thing. but that doesnt even matter. haha im eating Mike and Ike's right now : ) and they are good! jeez well i have to go cause i have nothing else to write about : ) well idk how soon ill update probably not for a while : ) | | |
| okay so lately ive been okay, and by that i mean sometimes good and sometimes bad. well ive found SOME ways around my mother with Keith. hes been to my house a total of 2 times without her knowing now. and recently we were at Jack In The Box together. damn im good, haha not really but whatev. well new obsession band right now is The Main Drag. thank you Keith for that one : ) ! and i absolutely LOVE techno music!!! uhmm well friends are gay, and try to get involved to much. i need to make my own decisions for myself. letting them do it in the past has caused me nothing but trouble, breakups, and pain. they tell me im pushing them away when in all actual reality, im just keeping them closer, if i let them help ill get mad at what they choose and push them away. when i ask them for help they are there, when i dont ask them they are always nagging me to tell them EVERYTHING! god damn i have my own secrets and you have yours so LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE !!! okay im better now that i said that. and btw i didnt want to update this Keith told me to. : ) sorry Keith i HAD to put that in there. well hmm ive been meet lots of new people that live all around the world from Socialmoth chat on Facebook. they are awesome! they all help me when i need it. ive come to the conclusion that you can open up to a complete random stranger and tell them EVERYTHING about yourself, but not even get that close to telling your best friends half the stuff that you tell them, weird right? well the even weirder thing is I ABSOULTELY HATE strangers, and ive become friends with about 4 or so lately. well i was eating gooey candy sour stuff and its really good, but i got it all over my pants. and yesterday i got this new shirt and its black [of course] with DINOSAURS on it!! its SOO freaking cool. and well my mother, she hasnt gotten much better, shes still the same old bitch. i hate her still, but im beginning to talk to her a little more. i still dont want to even want to be near her. but hey whatever. lol well idk thats all i can think to say. welll ill update when the time rolls around again. THERE YOU FREAKING GO KEITH! I FREAKING UPDATED! | | |
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